Saturday, June 1, 2013

Culturally authentic curvaceous altar-babes in bikinis

The problem with liberal Catholics is that they have no idea how to actually have fun.

And so as long as they insist on making the Mass 'relevant' by dressing down to be 'culturally authentic' so as to increase Mass attendance, why not look to the experts who know how to draw a crowd?

Hooters restaurants is the model they should follow because Hooter Girls are culturally authentic and decked out to draw a crowd, and needless to say highly entertaining.

If the communion line I'm in at a Novus Ordo Mass has an 'extraordinary' minister, I always switch lines to receive communion from a priest. I do it on principle because those fat broads in spandex pants simply don't belong up there when a single priest is sufficient for the task.

But even if the priest was not sufficient, I would still switch lines to avoid the ghastly prospect of receiving communion from one of those aversions.

Which is likewise why, Hooters uses cute babes, (likewise in spandex but fitting just a bit differently), to distribute their offerings, because they know guys care about who is doing the serving.

Pope John Paul II kind of got it right with his numerous photo-ops with partially clad aborigines. unfortunately the nudity was wasted by not having anymore sex appeal than Gwyneth Paltrow wearing her sheer dress sans underwear at the Iron Man 3 premiere. Nor was there anything culturally authentic about modern women going to Mass without clothes on. Nor was their lack of attire the least bit appealing to the guys there. Nevertheless, such and similar attire is what is typically appealed to when attempts are made to make the Mass culturally authentic.

Of course, some will argue that women don't typically go about their day dressed as Hooter Girls either. Which is true, but even so, those girls are a whole lot more culturally authentic than some topless girl reading the epistle while dressed like a deep forest illiterate pagan.

Now, compare the above typical appeals to cultural authenticity to that of Joe Nelms' prayer of thanks for his "smokin hot wife" at a Nascarr race. Where as the deep forest pagans are boring, Joe Nelms' prayer is fun and about as culturally authentic as it gets.

Of course most priests can't give a prayer of thanks for a smokin hot wife, but they can look to Hooters and Joe Nelms for how to use cultural authenticity to draw a crowd.

When Pope Francis did not put on the red shoes I was pleased because I thought is signaled to the clergy to stop acting like princlings deserving of being served hand and foot, but unfortunately the other shoe has since dropped, and the other reason for foregoing the red slipper has more to do with dropping tradition, including appropriate attire.

There is much good that can be said of Pope Francis' willingness to walk among the people (figuratively as well as literally), but as Archbishop Fulton J Sheen said, we don't need priests to come down to us, we need them to lift us up because the world drags us down.

We don't need culturally authentic Masses, but as long we are going to get them anyway, why not at least make them fun and entertaining somewhat in the manner as Joe Nelms entertains the protestants. But with a Catholic bent by following Pope John Paul II's example but with a Hooters twist, such as having curvaceous altar-babes in bikinis serving Mass on the beach in Brazil?

If smokin hot Hooter babes were also used as extraordinary ministers at my local Mass, not only would Mass attendance increase, but I also wouldn't be the only guy switching communion lines, although I might be the only one switching into the priest line.

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